Most of us have a pile of poems
languishing in a drawer or in an electronic file, poems that didn't "make
it" as successful haiku. These poems may have been written recently
or they may be quite aged (I have a collection of flops that are 25 years
old). As poets study and read and write more and more haiku, it often
happens that they come to realize that many of their abandoned or problem poems
can be reworked into fine haiku that are worthy of publication or as contest
entries.
The first step is for you to take
a look at these "shelved" poems and pull out several favorites.
Next, keeping in mind the Hibiscus guidelines for writing haiku, select one or
two that you believe can be reworked into effective, meaningful poems.
Sometimes a nugget of vivid imagery, truth, insight, or discovery lies hidden
beneath a pile of extraneous words and abstract ideas. Or perhaps only a
meaningful idea is there, the haiku was abandoned as a seedling, and is waiting
to be weeded and nourished. As you study the poems, ask these questions:
1. Where is the
core of this haiku? Where is the focus?
2. Was I trying
to get too much into one poem---are there too many subjects, actions,
descriptive words?
3. What words
or phrases can be removed without affecting the meaning?
4. Is the
imagery concrete and clear---can readers envision the scene?
5. Is this a
single image/object poem, with only one level of meaning? If so, can it be
improved by introducing juxtaposition, through the inclusion of another,
different image that is independent of the topic that is already present?
6. What
essential elements are missing?
7. Is the
subject matter hackneyed? If I read this haiku on a mailing
list, would it bore me?
8. Can I
present the subject and/or action from a fresher, more interesting viewpoint?
9. Is the
meaning or imagery obscure because I did not use natural syntax and common
language?
10. Is there
depth to the poem beyond its immediate imagery---can readers discover more than
one level of meaning? Can added or different juxtaposition help me create
another level of meaning?
As you answer those questions, you
will probably see ways to improve some of your problem poems. Step 2: Do it!
Rework a few of your languishing haiku with those questions in mind. Tip: Pick a
revised haiku; if it had been written by someone else and you were asked to
submit a kansho (appreciative commentary) for it, what would you write?
Step three: Select one or two (no
more than two) of your reworked haiku and submit them to the Thanksgiving kukai.
Include your original poems with the revised versions. All
members of WHCschools are eligible to enter the kukai. Only
those members with at least on entry in the kukai are eligible to vote.
The haiku should reflect the
criteria and guidelines as taught in The Hibiscus School, and must reflect a
sense of either the autumn or winter season. For the
purposes of this kukai it is not necessary that you have access to an
"official" saijiki. Simply use your common sense and draw on
images (plants, animals, weather, etc.) events, or circumstances that indicate
the haiku is in either autumn or winter.
CHECKLIST FOR
EFFECTIVE HAIKU
1. Sense of
season (either autumn or winter); avoid multiple or conflicting kigo.
2. Concrete
imagery (Could someone draw or paint a picture of it?)
3. Conciseness
(clarity, brevity) -- if in doubt, remember those great haiku that contain
only eleven words or fewer.
4. Focus
5.
Juxtaposition (more likely to be present in cut, two-part haiku)
6. Natural
syntax
7. Common
language
8. Balance of
humanity and nature
THANKSGIVING
KUKAI from "Salvaged
Flawed Haiku"
VOTING -
PART ONE
From the list of 46 "final
versions," the poets selected two favorite haiku, judging not
only the emotional appeal of the poems but also their overall quality according
to the criteria of this school. As requested by the instructor, the
voters submitted a commentary for each poem they chose,
explaining their selections.
#'s 4, 7
& 11 include commentary. Click the number above the haiku to read the
voter's commentaries.
FIRST
PLACE, 5 votes each:
#5.
a cord of kindling
the first kitten
licked dry
#17.
thanksgiving day parade
someone else's child
on my shoulders
SECOND
PLACE, 3 votes each:
#12.
starlings -
plumes of soot
over the rooftops
Carol Raisfeld
#19.
blue dusk
how snow collects the color
of the sky
THIRD PLACE,
2 votes each:
#1.
winter wind
above the boardwalk
gulls cry
#3.
sunstruck--
an old stone wall
in autumn woods
#4.
winter doldrums...
a beach stone from the hearth
smooth on my cheek
#31.
breaking news -
the arch of a heron's wings
in rising wind
#7.
spring flood
a fencepost joins
the beaver dam
#8.
monday morning
he melts the frost
on his bike seat
#11.
waking alone
the morning windows
still dark
#20.
little birds scratch
beneath tangled branches --
the family gathers
#24.
silent telephone--
all night the wind and rain
through bare birches
#29.
blustery day
the garden path is strewn
with pine needles
#35.
Setting on the peak
the heavy sickle of
the harvest moon
In PART
TWO of the kukai voting, participants were asked to chose the poem
that they believed benefited the most from being revised, and to give the
reasons for their choice. If they felt that in some cases the
original was a better haiku than the revised version, they
were invited to tell for which poem (or poems) that
conclusion applied, and to explain why. The were also invited to
offer suggestions for further improvement. I believe each response
teaches us something. The poems' authors, the commentators, and the
readers learn and grow through focused commentaries.
