I. Billowing
by The Pointed Radishes
Match 3 - Session 5 - June 2002 Renku
Angry at myself
I walk the shoreline--too small
the hermit crab's shell
Judge,
George Swede
a billowing cloud rises
over yellow-ochre hills
ito
ten fingers
on the harpsichord hasten
into a crescendo
kris kondo
the schoolgirl traces
around a crinkled maple leaf
Carmen
Sterba
tonight that same
'man in the moon' who's
been there for eons
an'ya
layer after layer
of Boston Marathoners
John Wisdom
just yank
the Band-Aid off
it won't hurt a bit
Gary Steinberg
scraping the windshield
with a credit card
Chris Patchel
the hippie van
parked amid oil derricks
on lover's lookout
an'ya
her engagement ring
out of a magician's hat
kris kondo
apple blossoms
swept along the hollow's
winding path
Carmen Sterba
a farmer's steady grip
guides the plow's straight furrow
John
Wisdom
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Judge's Comments on Billowing by the Pointed
Radishes
Judge: Janice M Bostok
I have chosen 'Billowing' because of the excellent, but subtle, linking. The
'billowing cloud' over and above the hills echoes the shell or cover image. The
rising movement of the cloud gives us 'crescendo'. The mention of
'fingers' gives us a maple leaf with finger-like points. The autumn leaf reminds
us of the seasons, which have been rolling around for eons, as well. 'Layer
after layer' seems like the undulating surface of the moon seen through space.
The band-aid may be need for a scraped knee received in the crowded marathon.
The scraped surface reminds one of scraping the dirt off a windshield. This
action leads to thoughts of a earlier time: 'hippie van', 'Lover's lookout'
leads to thought of an engagement. A marriage reminds one of 'apple blossoms'.
The hollows winding path takes us out to the country and a farmer's straight
furrow - in contrast to natures winding path. I must say I can't always link
every renku so readily. Yet, they remain subtle and unintrusive.
Judge: Ferris Gilli
I had difficulty choosing between the two renku, as both employ fresh,
unexpected images and situations. "Billowing," in the end, got my
vote. I don't recognize any back linking. The linking is subtle without being
obscure. The construction of the verses and the variety of grammatical elements
vary enough to prevent boredom. The last few verses are gentle in tone. Overall
an appealing renku!
Judge: Paul MacNeil
Renku #1, "Billowing," reads well with a fine expansion into diverse
topics. The two renku were actually quite close in their accomplishments
-- and, both have flaws.
I liked the #1 group's humor in their 7th and 9th verses. The
two love verses are fine and in sequence. There is some question if the
12-stanza form should have a stylized last verse (ageku). "Billowing"
does, but the wakiku is not as obviously close in time and place to the hokku as
is often the case.
The daisan is nicely made. Bordering on the too-repetitious,
"Billowing" has two verses that begin with the article "the"
and two with "a." A case can be made that quite a number of references
to hands or things done with hands are present.
Renku #1 follows a Shisan model of seasonal progression in natural order. The
Renku #2 seems more based on the Junicho format in which seasons have less
restriction. Still, in #2 there are three of spring -- with the 10th stanza
isolated from the others (7&8).
The #1 Renku also has a flaw like this: the Boston Marathon
verse is kigo for mid-April, and it is not connected to the other two spring
verses (11&12). Many readers around N. America and the world will not
know of this kigo; perhaps the harm to the renku is less obvious than spring
being the plowing season of the competing renku.
The runner-up renku has an excellent 1,2,3 opening. It is the
strength of the whole poem. However, the first 5 verses (incl. the hokku) are
people-centered and share an edgy, emotional tension. The #6 is also about
people. Since the hokku has an animal, it may be inappropriate for two other
(even though diverse) animals in a form as brief as only 12 stanzas. In
the #2 renku, three times a stanza begins with "the." I am not
sure there are two love verses, or at least two together. In the 8th verse, I
would suggest a hyphen after "one," and that the 12th stanza does not
read clearly -- all "what" have gone?
I am sorry that this seems as if I've heaped criticism upon criticism. To
paraphrase Shokan Kondo-san, the 12-tone renku may only seem easier [than a
kasen], but
actually, by its brevity, each verse must sparkle with distinctiveness and be
written with variety of [the English] language. Congratulations to each of the
teams' members for writing truly team poems -- renku.
II. The Hermit Crab's Shell
by The Seven Samurai
Match 3 - Session 5 - June 2002
Angry at myself
I walk the shoreline--too small
the hermit crab's shell
Judge, George Swede
composing an apology
in sonnet form
Fay Aoyagi
narrowed eyes
of the senator's mistress
when he pays in cash
paul
m
a sustained trill
from the piccolo
Linda Robeck
in the winter
moonlight
a friend tells me his father
then his uncle dies
Alan J Summers
we fall asleep
before the movie ends
DeVar Dahl
the rooster
as plum blossoms
pinken
Billie Wilson
thin haze climbing
the one tree hill
Mark Brooks
pulling
a silk thread
from the scarf
Linda Robeck
the plow horse
tosses a shoe
paul
m
who'd confess
to putting poisonous mushrooms
in the soup?
Fay Aoyagi
the scents of autumn
when all have gone
Mark Brooks
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Judge's Comments on "The Hermit Crab's Shell"
by The Seven Samurai
Judge: Michael McClintock
Of the two renku in this round, I found the individual links in
this one the more interesting or memorable, and the flow overall more coherent
and pleasing.
Judge: Yasuomi Koganei
The story streams with cheerful tone. And the first three and last verses are
connected better than the other's. It entertained me, anyway.
Judge: Susumu Takiguchi
The winner of renku judged by Susumu Takiguchi is Renku 2: The Hermit Crab's
Shell.
