Shisan – the anatomy of a
renku sequence
An introduction
For Masaoka Shiki, the archetypal modernist, renku was not worthy of
consideration as literature. Renku, he declared, was a pastime - a dated word
game - whose only saving grace lay in the fact that its first verse, the hokku,
was the precursor of haiku.
But Shiki was young, and in a hurry – keen to assert the pre-eminence of
romantic individualism. We cannot know if his early death precluded a change of
heart (Shiki had after all participated in, and published, linked verse) but we
can learn a little more about renku, and form our own opinions.
What exactly is ‘Renku’?
Linked verse - renga - composed after the school of Matsuo Basho is often
referred to as renku. Rather than give a lengthy technical specification this
article traces the evolution of one such poem – a Shisan renku – composed in
2002 via email.
Though the medium may be thoroughly modern the poem itself was composed in a
traditional manner – participants ‘competing’ to submit appropriate verses
(a method called, in the Japanese, degachi) – the whole process under
the tutelage of a ‘conductor’ or ‘lead poet’ (sabaki).
Other than the principal drafts of the verses submitted the following material
is drawn mostly from the comments of Eiko Yachimoto, our sabaki. Remarks
prefaced by the rubric notes or in square [ ] brackets are my own,
and are written post facto. I hope you enjoy
reading.
John Carley, 2003
On the meaning of Shisan
EY: This
form was invented several years ago by the late Mr. Kaoru Kubota. The name
Shisan has many layers of meaning. When written using two Chinese characters it
may be read as:
Shi or tamawaru meaning, “To be given something noble from the
higher existence.”
San as in bansankai meaning, “Formal meal.”
When pronounced, it means four, shi, and three, san, suggesting
both:
-
A taboo of versification in the
composition of a tanku [the 7/7 ‘short verse’] whose traditional
teaching dictates that the closing seven syllables should exhibit a cadence of
three followed by four i.e. not in the order of shi, then, san (4
then 3).
-
The multiplication of four times
three = 12
Mr. Kubota wanted to give birth to
something nice from a taboo word! One could almost give the meaning as “manna
that comes in 12.”
The Shisan has four folios, each folio comprising three verses of which one or
two are seasonal, and the rest non-seasonal. The poem starts from the season in
which it is composed and follows the natural order.
notes:
But what about the importance of prohibitions in this style of linked verse?
Bans on the repetition of any given idea or word, for instance? Eiko Yachimoto
again, explaining that the term, back-link, is an English language usage,
and does not necessarily accord with the Japanese tradition:
EY:
I would think the rule called sari-girai (how many verses you have to
wait from one love section to another, or so & so number of verses from one
water related verse to another etc) and the concept of 'distant reincarnation' [tô-rin'ne]
combined together might be considered as 'back link'.
In my understanding each poet
grasps a given word according to his/her own lights. For the collaboration to
succeed one co-ordinator/conductor (sabaki) is needed to balance
conformity to the rules with the pursuit of poetry.
notes: The
only absolute injunction, Eiko goes on to explain, is the avoidance of uchikoshi.
This rule obliges the renku poet to link the current stanza to the preceding
stanza, whilst ensuring that there is a comprehensive move away from the content
of the stanza before that: the uchikoshi or ‘leap-over’ verse. And so
to verse one, the hokku.
Verse One - offers and
commentary
gathering storm
the tamarack drops
golden needles.....................kk
EY:
dramatic start with rich visual images: I can feel the velvet air and see the
lightning...
so different
to the green that never was
the autumn leaves................jec
EY: very
musical, very original in the way it literally let us see the passage of time,
appeals directly to my emotion.
counting Leonids
with the children--
the crickets fall silent............jrs
EY:
I somehow see too many plural nouns in one verse.
dew on the telescope --
the Dolphin circles this field
of crickets and children.........jrs
EY: After
pondering over four verses, I would like the Dolphin for its freshness. I have
just learned that the Dolphin can be seen in the south centre of the autumn sky
at around 8pm in September. I, however, would like to rewrite John's verse as
follows:
million dewdrops--
the Dolphin circles
past my telescope...............jrs
Your sabaki now needs your
approval for this proposal.
KK:
The simplified version is excellent […] To my ear "a million stars"
or "myriad stars" would be other options.
JEC: Kirsty employs the definite article 'a' with the phrase 'million
dewdrops/stars' - a suggestion I support.
Verse One - defined
Shisan: The Dolphin Circles
a million dewdrops--
the Dolphin circles
past my telescope.....................jrs
EY: Your
sabaki has named our Shisan as above […] Please write a wakiku in two lines
totalling 11 syllables. I confirm that the moon be included in our wakiku
offers.
notes:
As an experiment it had been decided that each tanku - short verse - should have
a fixed count of eleven syllables. The length of the chouku - long verse
- had been left open. However the reader might care to note the presence or lack
of proportion in the comparative length of long and short verses that emerges as
the poem progresses.
Verse Two - offers
a million dewdrops--
the Dolphin circles
past my telescope.....................jrs
moolight dyeing a cricket
each other's face......................ey
amber moon
a pumpkin grin for Halloween.......jec
from Giza's pyramid
moonlit wings unfold..................kk
moonstruck--I watch
the seventh wave unfolding........kk
pampas grass in night rain
silver on silver..........................jrs
On Omote
- the opening movement
EY: Before
going to each offer, I would like to explain what is expected of the omote
(front) folio in all renku forms including Shisan.
The hokku, the verse which gave birth to haiku, may be compared to
an engine of a train or to a theatre. A wakiku - the supporting
verse - is supposed to enhance the world of the hokku (in our case autumn,
night, field...) by providing a stage or backdrop, some further detail or depth
of the same world.
The association connecting autumn with the moon has been very strong in the long
tradition of Japanese poetry and the moon in renku is sometimes respected even
as representing the Muse itself. In other words, the autumn section without moon
is not popular.
In Shisan there are only three verses in this opening section and yet all the
traditional aesthetics or restrictions for omote are applied to the verses that
follow the hokku. Since this is a formal greeting stage, no specific information
such as place name, person's name are introduced. It is too early to talk about
love, and not appropriate to be nostalgic. One should not write about illness,
death, pilgrimage, travel, religious matters or any cause for lament.
For hokku, we can be completely independent. As long as it has the poetic
strength to pull the following verses as an engine, we can write about love,
terrorism, wars, proper names etc, etc. Though we can choose to be less forceful
if we so wish. Both approaches are perfectly fine for hokku writing.
Verse Two - defined
EY: In
a live session of renku everybody gathers to a pleasant place sharing the same
time and the same place, so it is not too difficult to observe the traditional
rules […] let me post our wakiku, with the slight editing of the hokku so that
these be grasped as a closely bonded pair.
Shisan: The Dolphin circles
a sea of dew--
the Dolphin circles
past my telescope.....................jrs
moonstruck-- I watch
the seventh wave unfolding........kk
Verse Three - context
EY:
Here comes the golden uchikoshi rule of all renku. We want a clear shift from
the heavenly bodies. And we want our Third verse not written from the
first-person singular angle. We've written two autumn verses already, so the
last of this folio is supposed to be a no-season verse.
In writing renku we make a border stripe by switching from seasonal section to
no seasonal section… though, in case of the shorter renku, ‘section’ is
perhaps not the appropriate word as we might have just one verse.
On Kireji
notes: Of the submissions for verse three one draft raised questions about
the use of cutting characters - kireji - and, by implication, marked
juxtaposition, in verses other than the first, the hokku:
a sinuous V of geese --
the plowman's mind
opens in awe.....................jrs
EY: Kireji
creates a grand space and makes the verse self-standing. That's the reason why
the hokku is called tateku (standing verse) as opposed to hiraku
(horizontal verses). All the other verses we will be working on during
the session (except for the ageku, the very last verse) are hiraku.
So, this punctuation: ‘--’, so frequently indicating the kireji in English
haiku tradition, cannot be used here.
notes:
To which an observer objected that the second verse - wakiku - already
chosen, employed just such a punctuation mark in the middle of line one.
EY: In using cutting words,
what do you cut? I understand you cut the logic and/or a cause-and-effect thread
of thinking. So even though Kirsty used ‘--’ in-between ‘moonstruck’
and ‘I’ in her wakiku, I do not consider it a cut in her verse. ‘--’ here
is not meant as the kireji of English haiku tradition, but, I understand, meant
to be taken as ‘--’ in the English poetic tradition. We all know the
moon presides over the tides of the sea and the poetess is watching the wave
unfolding carrying silver moonlight; there is no cut here.
notes:
in order to prevent any misunderstanding it was agreed that the simplest
solution would be to re-punctuate line one of verse two with a comma.
Verse Three - offers
a sea of dew--
the Dolphin circles
past my telescope.....................jrs
moonstruck, I watch
the seventh wave unfolding........kk
syncopating with
simmering red rice
a baby breathing......................ey
winning score
the spectators surge
to their feet............................kk
a particle of some sort
vibrates
in the spider's web....................jec
under the kayak
the wings of a bi-plane
barely visible............................kk
the work of water
to reveal the ancient
beneath the recent...................jrs
some tin cans
and a piece of string
vibrating in the wind..................jec
On Shift - categories of
content
notes: in considering the most suitable of the submissions for verse
three Eiko Yachimoto sought to illustrate some core considerations.
EY:
Ideally, I wanted to avoid a strong lexical reference to water, ocean and the
sky [already present in the hokku and wakiku].
To help poets achieve shift at the uchikoshi position (verse before last), past
renkujin have developed many techniques. We do not need to follow their advice
all the time but let us use their yardstick to see how it works.
One such approach is to categorize each verse either as:
Our hokku - the verse before last
- is (3), but it also has got the qualities of (1). Therefore, at its uchikoshi
position, (2) may guarantee the clearest shift.
Another yardstick from the old time is to categorize each verse either as:
-
(1) an outdoor verse or
-
(2) an indoor verse
Our hokku is (1) so at its
uchikoshi (2) may be better placed to give us clearer shift.
Verse Three - defined
Shisan: The Dolphin circles
a sea of dew--
the Dolphin circles
past my telescope.....................jrs
moonstruck, I watch
the seventh wave unfolding.........kk
syncopating with
simmering red rice
a baby breathing......................ey
Verse Four - context
EY:
We have entered into the first of the two development - ha -
folios. Now we can write about extremity if we wish. Please explore new
terrain, and that includes a love verse either with winter kigo or no kigo.
On pocket verses
EY:
It is important to know that all the verses not used for a particular position
are called 'pocket verses' and may fit in a later position perfectly with a
minimum editing.
I can edit JEC's spider verse as follows for our #4 verse:
moonstruck, I watch
the seventh wave unfolding.........kk
syncopating with
simmering red rice
a baby breathing.......................ey
a fluff of snow
vibrates in the spider's web.........jec
JEC:
Thank you for your edit to verse four. By way of experiment I shift the line
break and invert the image order:
in the spider's web
a fluff of snow vibrates
[…] one effect is to shift the
verb to the end of the stanza. It may be that this has implications for the
dynamic movement of this first part of ha [the first development movement]
EY:
I endorse John's working text as follows.
Verse Four - defined
Shisan: The Dolphin circles
a sea of dew--
the Dolphin circles
past my telescope......................jrs
moonstruck, I watch
the seventh wave unfolding.........kk
syncopating with
simmering red rice
a baby breathing.......................ey
- - - - - - -
in the spider's web
a fluff of snow vibrate................jec
On degrees of linkage
EY:
I would like to say something on the question on shin-ku (closely
linked verse) and so-ku (faintly/remotely/hardly linked verse).
A Renku session being a complex synergy, links between verses are never
mechanical, never uniform. Sometimes it is conversational (like question and
answer) and other times most readers hardly find any link. In fact your sabaki
favours variety in the nature of link too.
As far as I know there is no specific folio where you find shin-ku (tight)
or so-ku (loose) more in number than other folios.
notes: Verse
five would introduce the topic of ‘love’, further reference to winter being
optional.
Verse Five - offers
syncopating with
simmering red rice
a baby breathing .......................ey
in the spider's web
a fluff of snow vibrates................jec
the other side
of the frozen window pane
Heathcliff's hatred.....................ey
a dream of youth
we knew the jewelled mountain
for our own..............................jec
in my cold kitchen,
putting away the spoons,
I think of lying with you..............jrs
we walk in silence,
a river flowing by
under the ice............................jrs
crouched in grimy snow,
his skinny dog wears
a red-white-and-blue bandanna...jrs
the bracing clarity
of love
on this frosty morning................jrs
oh, my dear
the softness of your skin
beneath my hand......................kk
entwined
in his mighty embrace
she thinks of England................kk
JRS: Maybe
(my first) is too close to the Dai-San [the third verse] since
they are both set in the kitchen.
KK: if this requires explanation...I can do it! Or maybe jec?
JEC: Kirsty uses the expression 'she thinks of England'. The original
phrase 'Lie back and think of England' was an ironic injunction on ladies to
fulfil their role in the creation of a great Empire by bearing sons […] it
rapidly become a popular and sardonic euphemism for sexual congress and, by
extension, the willing enjoyment of that which is supposedly onerous and
objectionable.
Verse Five – the sabaki’s
comments
EY: This
was a hard decision. If it were a kukai or if we were writing a kasen [a
36 verse sequence], not the Shisan, I would have liked:
we walk in silence
a river flowing by
under the ice
The crystal tone of this verse, as
if like a scene from a quietly singing movie, is very appealing. And I feel the
subtle link, subtle because the link does not depend on any particular lexicon,
but on the overall tone. Yet...in Shisan we have only 12 verses to build our
world. We have had enough of water-themes already...
I loved two of Kirsty's offers. I particularly like the word ‘England’. But
both touched uchikoshi rule in me... the softness and the explanation given in
reference to England directly connect me to the baby image in uchikoshi.
I do not have any problem taking 'a dream of youth', if we had not had the same
phrasal construction pattern three times: ‘a sea of dew’ included.
entwined
we knew the jewelled mountain
for our own................................jec/kk
Thus I reached the above verse. In
fact I fall in love with the word 'jewelled'. And the above version does convey
the image of 'a dream of youth' because the verse is, unusually, in the past
tense. The double image of snow flake trapped in the spider web and a woman in a
mighty embrace (Kirsty's contribution) lives on too. (melting image too). And if
you could kindly stretch your imagination, you could see Heathcliff and Cathy's
rock in the moor land… or so I wish!
Verse Five - defined
Shisan: The Dolphin circles
a sea of dew--
the Dolphin circles
past my telescope jrs
moonstruck, I watch
the seventh wave
unfolding kk
syncopating with
simmering red rice
a baby
breathing
ey
- - - - - - -
in the spider's web
a fluff of snow
vibrates
jec
entwined
we knew the jewelled mountain
for our
own
jec/kk
notes: With retrospect this draft of verse five was deemed to be rather
lopsided. After much discussion a slightly altered draft was to emerge.
Verse Six - context
EY: Now we are coming to the middle point. I would like our following
verse, #6, to be another love verse with no seasonal reference, a close and
natural link to #5 please.
On variety
EY: From now to the #12 verse, how many of the following topics (listed at
random) can we somehow incorporate... Let's have fun hitting two or three
with one stone.
· (1) religion/lament on uncertainty of
life
· (2) travel/vehicle
· (3) blossom
· (4) spring time
· (5) journalistic topic or a light nuance
verse
· (6) summertime
· (7) bird/four-legged animal
· (8) smoke/haze/wind/cloud
· (9) person's name/ place name
· (10)occupation
· (11) old age or illness
· (12) body parts
· (13) time of the day - for example:
morning, evening etc
· (14) alcohol
· (15)fine arts/history....
Verse Six - offers
in the spider's web
a fluff of snow
vibrates
jec
entwined
we knew the jewelled mountain
for our
own
jec/kk
after forty years
the ring too tight to
lose kk
my love like diamonds cuts
through prison
walls jrs
the old train chugs through the Andes
while we
kiss
jrs
my love and I search for jade
in the
mountains
jrs
only this bamboo forest
knows jrs
where we meet
mi corazón scrubbing bathrooms
for the
rich
jrs
notes: The convention used throughout this renku session was that renjyu
(contributing poets) might submit any number of verses until such time as all
participants had submitted at least one offer, had signalled their intention to
'pass', or the sabaki had called a halt to the process. In this instance JEC
recorded a 'pass'.
KK: [of the first verse listed] I wonder if "ring" is too close to the
"circles" in the first verse?
JEC: Perhaps such considerations belong more to the back-link theories of recent
English language renga rather than to classical or modern renku. The more so as
'circles' is neither subject nor object, but a verb. Perhaps if the two usages
came in immediate proximity one might raise questions of infelicitous phrasing.
JRS: [of the last verse listed] here's one I really like, but, alas, it doesn't
link to verse 5
Verse Six – the sabaki’s comments
EY: I am sure verse six links to verse five; one of the traditional link
techniques is called 'sonohito zuke' (link by describing the person in the
previous verse). When these protagonists are not entwined they are moneyless and
she has to work - that is how I read this verse. We can cross out the occupation
from our list. Besides, to have this Spanish phrase enriches our renku.
Kirsty's verse links very naturally and closely and I was instantly attracted to
it. My concern was not about circle/ring, but was the number in it. Kirsty wrote
the most beautiful wakiku and it has a number in it. My following verse has the
word - syncopate - that has association with numbers as well... I wanted
to avoid the repetition so that the number 7 [seventh wave] remains as beautiful
as it stands now.
Verse Six - defined
Shisan: The Dolphin circles
a sea of dew--
the Dolphin circles
past my telescope jrs
moonstruck, I watch
the seventh wave
unfolding kk
syncopating with
simmering red rice
a baby
breathing
ey
- - - - - - -
in the spider's web
a fluff of snow
vibrates
jec
entwined, we knew
the jewelled mountain
for our
own
jec/kk
mi corazón scrubbing bathrooms
for the
rich
jrs
Verse Seven - context
Would you please write the first verse of the third folio in 3 lines? This can
be either spring verse or no-season verse. Please avoid writing from the first
person angle. Landscape or Other, please.
notes: On this occasion the first offer to come up on screen was from Kirsty
Karkow.
Verse Seven – the sabaki’s comments
EY: Once in a while sabakis decide on the spot like I am doing now! Thank you
Kirsty for giving us a grand open landscape: very appropriate to start a new
folio. Now we can cross out Vehicle, Place Name, Person Name, Illness (albeit a
very very slight one).
Verse Seven - defined
Shisan: The Dolphin circles
a sea of dew--
the Dolphin circles
past my telescope jrs
moonstruck, I watch
the seventh wave
unfolding kk
syncopating with
simmering red rice
a baby
breathing
ey
- - - - - - -
in the spider's web
a fluff of snow
vibrates
jec
entwined, we knew
the jewelled mountain
for our
own
jec/kk
mi corazón scrubbing bathrooms
for the
rich
jrs
- - - - - - -
spring fever
the old Ford grinds steadily
toward Mexico kk Re:
XO Shisan - the dolphin circles - #7 decided onto #8 <http://www.jiscmail.ac.uk/cgi-bin/wa.exe?A2=ind0210&L=renkujin&D=0&I=3&P=58122>
Verse Eight - context
EY: For position eight, i.e. the second verse of the third folio, please
write a two line 11 syllable spring verse.
Verse Eight - offers and commentary
mi corazón scrubbing bathrooms
for the
rich
jrs
spring fever
the old Ford grinds steadily
toward Mexico kk Re
a perfect lily
placed before the
Virgin
jec
EY: Beautiful! I would like to save this verse as our ageku; lily is a
summer kigo.
a single flower
placed before the
Virgin
jec
EY: I am afraid I do not feel the spring time only from a generic flower...
young men grow wise
drinking elderberry
wine jrs
EY: I heard a young man's voice in uchikoshi...
grandpa trims around
the mockingbird's first
nest jrs
EY: I like the nest, but I wanted to enjoy the grand scenery longer...
murky politics
facing world
religions kk
EY: I think this is a no season verse?
hazy horizon
monarchs heading
northward ey
Verse Eight - defined
Shisan: The Dolphin circles
a sea of dew--
the Dolphin circles
past my telescope jrs
moonstruck, I watch
the seventh wave
unfolding kk
syncopating with
simmering red rice
a baby
breathing
ey
- - - - - - -
in the spider's web
a fluff of snow
vibrates
jec
entwined, we knew
the jewelled mountain
for our
own
jec/kk
mi corazón scrubbing bathrooms
for the
rich
jrs
- - - - - - -
spring fever
the old Ford grinds steadily
toward Mexico kk Re
...hazy horizon
is that northbound
monarchs? ey
notes: Whilst the poem was under construction, all texts were considered
provisional. At this point the text of verse five, given here in its final
version, was in fact still under discussion. Similarly the text of verse eight
was to undergo a slight modification.
On the ageku
notes: The concept of 'pocket verses' had already been introduced in the
resolution of verse four.
EY: As I mentioned above, I would like John's 'perfect lily' as our ageku [the
final verse]. You might think I am cheating. Well, it is considered less sinful
or within allowance to write an ageku beforehand. Ageku is described as a
temporary end mark to a forever linking chain of verses and they say that an
ideal ageku should have completely different quality from the rest of renku,
which means uchikoshi is not a strongest concern there. Ageku is supposed to be
written by a mature poet too.
On direct naming, and variety
notes: Alternative drafts of verse five, and the phrase 'spring fever' in verse
seven had given rise to a side discussion.
EY: To write a love verse without using the word love seems to be encouraged in
renku tradition. The same applies to the names of the seasons: since we
have used the word 'spring', we cannot use the word 'summer' when we come to
write a summer verse. To put it the other way around, we can use the word
'spring' in verse seven because we did not use the word 'autumn' and the word
'winter' in our previous folios.
notes: It had earlier been suggested by the sabaki that a journalistic verse
might find its place at some point in the poem. Sadly much of what makes the
news is bad news. John R. Snyder has kindly allowed the full text of his
comments to appear here as they have a direct bearing on the scope of renku
technique.
JRS:
smoke on the prairie:
funeral pyre for peace
or phoenix
rising?
jrs
I apologize if this is not an appropriate offering or if it is not even a poem.
I am devastated today by the deaths of Senator Paul Wellstone and his family in
a plane crash in Minnesota. In my opinion Wellstone was one of the few people
left in American government who consistently placed conscience and ethics above
short-term political gain. He was a scholar, a man of peace, a man of
conscience, a man of the people. I can only hope that Wellstone's death, like
those of Gandhi, King, and Oscar Romero, will spur more of his complacent
countrymen to wake up and carry on his work.
Verse Nine - offers and commentary
spring fever
the old Ford grinds steadily
toward Mexico kk Re
...hazy horizon
are those northbound
monarchs? ey
like ghosts
Muslim terrorists
move kk
toward the theatre
EY: it is so difficult to write a journalistic verse, the situation moves so
fast...
smoke on the prairie:
funeral pyre for peace
or phoenix
rising?
jrs
EY: I wish I could make this as #9, but we do not want to repeat the open space
of verse #7 here.
a sari flashes
down the street
sandals clack on
cobbles jec
EY: It is a nice link to the butterflies. However the Shisan is such a short
renku and Mexico and India in one Shisan maybe a little too much.
devastated
I write a poem:
Paul Wellstone died today
EY: John S, let me draw out a three line verse from your e-mail. Please accept
my condolences (…) If any of my renjyu have a problem or a question regarding
#9, just stop me and I will reconsider.
KK: #9 is excellent in my eyes
JRS: Eiko, thank you for verse #9. Coincidentally, there is an echo of the
"mi corazon" verse in the mention of Paul Wellstone […] a strong
advocate for the working poor.
EY: Thank you. Could you please write a 11 syllable non season verse to start
our last folio.
Verse Nine - defined
Shisan: The Dolphin circles
a sea of dew--
the Dolphin circles
past my telescope jrs
moonstruck, I watch
the seventh wave
unfolding kk
syncopating with
simmering red rice
a baby
breathing
ey
- - - - - - -
in the spider's web
a fluff of snow
vibrates
jec
entwined, we knew
the jewelled mountain
for our
own
jec/kk
mi corazón scrubbing bathrooms
for the
rich
jrs
- - - - - - -
spring fever
the old Ford grinds steadily
toward Mexico kk Re
...hazy horizon
are those northbound
monarchs? Ey
devastated
I write a poem:
Paul Wellstone died today
Verse Ten – context
notes: The pre-selection of the ageku had placed special compositional
constraints on verse ten, the first of the closing folio. Not only must it link
to the preceding verse (#9) and shift from the verse before that (#8) it would
also need to ensure that it did not place the ageku (#12) in such a position
that it appeared to generate gross uchikoshi: ‘regression’.
...hazy horizon
are those northbound
monarchs? #8
devastated
I write a poem:
Paul Wellstone died
today #9
---------------
verse ten verse
verse ten verse
ten #10
current
eleven verse
eleven verse eleven
eleven
verse #11
a perfect lily
place before the virgin ageku
Verse Ten - offers and commentary
the line moves fast
breakfast dishes clatter hard ey
notes: A subtle irony: this last movement ‘kyu’ may be given as ‘rapid
close’.
my copper coin flattened
by the train that
passed
kk
EY: the uchikoshi verse asking a question to oneself, I avoided this verse to be
read as a first person verse. I liked the metallic directness of this verse
which enhance the previous verse..
notes: The following amendment offered by JRS
my copper coin flattened
by the rush hour
train
kk(jrs)
EY: includes a certain time-of-day category to our renku.
the old man brews
his late wife's favorite
tea jrs
the old man pours
his late wife's favorite
wine jrs
his mind ablaze,
the old poet cannot
sleep
jrs
EY: it is always best to avoid using the identical word already used; ‘old’
appears in verse #7.
folding his paper
he leaves it on the
seat
jec
EY: this I wanted very strongly... The shift of viewpoint from which to look at
the accident implied in the previous verse is so well exercised here. The wave
spread from his sudden departure realistically felt... And yet I wanted to
honor our beautiful ageku.
flicking through the channels
the kids hunt
Homer
jec
EY: honestly, John, I can only guess what this verse is telling […] I thought
Homer, if it is capitalized, is a proper noun and we have already had that
category.
JEC: I was attempting […] an extension of the 'world' of the preceding verse.
So the children catch sight of the news of Senator Wellstone's death whilst
flicking through the television […] in search of the popular cartoon series
The Simpsons.
EY: Thank you also for the explanation on the channels. I thought of some
thoroughfares like the English Channel! […] I looked up -Simpson- and he is
the Scottish physician who used anesthesia for the first time!
JRS: LOL!
Let us go then, you and I,
When Homer's napping, lazy guy,
Like a patient etherized upon a table (...)
(pace Eliot)
Verse Eleven – the rapid close!
EY: Dear renjyu and those who followed us through, I would like to complete our
Shisan basically as below. This is the fast finale folio! This is still a
working text and we now start finalizing it through mutual editing and
discussion.
...hazy horizon
are those northbound monarchs? ey
devastated
I write a poem:
Paul Wellstone died
today jrs
- - - - - - -
a copper coin flattened
by the train that passed
kk
white lines
of evening shower
distract board members'
attention ey
a perfect lily placed
before the
Virgin
jec
notes: The poem had taken two weeks to complete… give or take a time-zone or
two. Could it really be over?
Well, yes and no. The ‘jewelled mountain’ verse, which, for the sake of
brevity, has been given throughout in its settled form was still under
discussion.
That last line of verse eleven too attracted attention… was it slightly too
long? A trawl through the archives of the JISC mail engine reveals almost a
dozen different drafts of verse eleven that now exist as notional states only.
The final, agreed, text of the poem appears below. But what of the other verses,
all those offerings lovingly, painfully even, drafted and crafted – only to be
passed over… rejected. Were they wasted?
EY: Let me introduce one little anecdote I heard recently from my renku friend
when we were waiting for a train on the platform in Tokyo.
a renkujin: Won't you give renku at least a try? We feel a quiet
enthusiasm spreading these days.
a Very Famous haijin: Well, if I toil, I would rather write something
which could leave my name in history.
The final draft
Shisan: The Dolphin Circles
led by eiko yachimoto
started 14 October, 2002
completed 29 October, 2002
a sea of dew--
the Dolphin circles
past my
telescope
jrs
moonstruck, I watch
the seventh wave unfolding kk
syncopating with
simmering red rice
a baby
breathing
ey
- - - - - - -
in the spider's web
a fluff of snow vibrates jec
entwined, we knew
the jewelled mountain
for our
own
jec
mi corazón scrubbing bathrooms
for the
rich
jrs
- - - - - - -
spring fever
the old Ford grinds steadily
toward
Mexico
kk
...hazy horizon
are those northbound monarchs? ey
devastated
I write a poem
Paul Wellstone died
today
jrs
- - - - - - -
a copper coin flattened
by the train that
passed kk
white lines
of an evening rain-shower
draw the board's attention ey
a perfect lily
placed before the
Virgin
jec
verses contributed by
john carley
kirsty karkow
john r. snyder
eiko yachimoto
on The Renkujin Palace
